i want to amass collections of things i love in color and lights and solidity and truth; i feel as if i'm bombarding my social networking whatevers with all of this so i'll compile it here with edits and links and quotes and bands and such.

things i want to create:
http://www.nativeartstrading.com/images/DSCN8169Headdress.jpg
http://www.conradaskland.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/peter-pan.jpg
http://www.billybear4kids.com/Movie/PETER_PAN_PE-Photo_04.jpg

music:
http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#THE%20BLOW/2

etcetera:
http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff28/beatonna/brontessm.png

quotes:
"Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end." Unknown



mostly i've been thinking about love and relationships a lot. it's difficult when you think you know what you want and what you need to do to get there, but then in a big bang you realize you don't really know, but at least i have someone to curl up to and try and figure it out with. but i still don't know what i want. i think i've got it already, but i have no fucking clue in this matter.
i ran from the american apparel in oakland past the library and park and all the coffee shops and dinosaurs while it was raining buckets tonight, by the time i got to kiva han, my hoodie weighed an additional five pounds in water.
dean and i are making plans-- i'm making a raccoon footie pajama suit and an indian headdress for his art stall at some art festival in early august. i'll be pumped to be there and be on the other side of the booths, maybe we'll make some sort of art together beforehand and be able to sell it. i'm sure he'll be able to make a bunch of money or even just a little, his art is so great.
i'm excited to be alive lately, my only problems are that i've been pulling my hair a lot. and my dad and i are on awful terms right now, he came over yesterday and called me out or some shit, i'm not allowed to visit his house or gallery anymore, he's cut me off of all funds, contact, and general togetherness. i'm alright now, i wasn't last night, i packed a backpack and started running down the street, my mom picked me up in her minivan and we talked for a while. i don't know. i still love him of course, but i think he's pissed about me having dean, the whole encroaching-on-territory kind of male ego thing. i don't know what to think. i'm going to wait until he apologizes, but. i'm trying not to think about it otherwise.
maybe self sufficiency is my calling.
i'm trying to get a job.

oh well.
my basement smells like shit.

i can't believe i almost fucked this up.
i'm following your advice, man, i'm not messing with the universe anymore. i was a centimeter away friday night but now i'm worlds gone. still on the tightrope but now i have the will to toss myself off. the security net will catch me everytime, i know. your simple words, "forget about it" cemented me to the spot and i was so relieved i almost cried.
i promise i promise i promise
missing out is not missing out; missing out is found in missing, in leaving, in losing you. i'm not saying i'll be perfect, i'm just saying i'm going to try my best now. keep myself away from too charming comic book boys tattoos on hand philosophy spouting out a red lipped mouth. keeping myself away from their couches at 5am keep saying i've got to get home, i've got to get home. i'll spill all my secrets if you'll listen, kid. the heartbeat flutter flutter at the strength of your arms around my body can't compare to the way his badly cut hair smells in the sun and the goofy grins and the sweaters and the shakes and the calls and the breathy little kisses, i could never never never lose this moment away to manipulation.
so i'll keep myself in this room and i'll keep myself away from my thoughts and i'll keep myself away from everything tempting and trusting and not you not you not you.
the more i think about it, the less certain my heart beats.
i don't know what to do, boy, when you're so far away, and i love you so much.




& now some entertainment in describing myself materialistically:
make your own and comment with it.

i wrap myself in my life like a comforter-- on the brink of suffocating with all the stress problems family friends moments plans and summers, then find myself lost in looking at the revamped face of what used to be my identity, everything goes and goes and goes.
i used to pine and wish and ache for someone to kiss me on my neck and hold me and listen to the labyrinths of my head spouted out a clumsy mouth. i don't need to hope anymore, but everything's still just as confusing as ever. my old loves are fading, new loves are sprouting and i am growing away from what i despised. my head is still fucked, though-- the world changes and flickers on and off like a half-screwed lightbulb in my head. i've got it all in the palm of my hand and it's slipping through like a sand in a sieve. i'll always have the few grains left-- and that is all i need.
moderation, moderation, moderation. your life is no longer in my head, and it's sad in a way but it's alright in another. it's a time like this that i suppose i miss the obsession, the firm ground, but like that night in columbus-- i can't live the life that doesn't belong to me. mine is what i need, but you'll always be a part of the futile climb.
this summer is mine. i feel dead lately but i'll get myself over it hopefully with no pills or any of the things to really truly fuck with my head. i'm getting a 35mm very soon, and i've got a vhs recorder i'll be using once i get a lesson in how to use it. i'm hoping the setting in stone of some important memories will let me let go and grow-- who knew something so vague would be the roadblock to make me want to throw my hands up in the air and give up?
to you and only and ever you-- thank you for letting me spill last night. thank you for understanding me the best you can figure out how to. i love you and miss you always.

time to toss and turn till the earlier hours.
i am glad i am no longer what i used to be.

i have more future than i ever imagined nowadays
springing from my fingertips and the ends of brain neurons
the longest cells in your body are the ones that run from your spine to the tips of your toes
but they never took interconnection into consideration

i can feel that i love you.
i always miss your hands and your face in front of mine
red cheeks to kiss and eyelids to close
we learn with each other every moment we spend in the presence
i love the taste of your drink on your lips
and your voice when you slur and smile and i can almost see
i am saying everything to
someone i can say anything to
i am trying my hardest not to let how lucky i know i am to get lost
even when it does it always comes back

lets not get too routine
i don't need what you do
and my time will come
patience is key

but
i have bruises on my knees
and more broken blood vessels
elsewhere

i have never been this close to anyone ever before
i never want to be this close to anyone else but you
ever again

if i am your gem then you are my emerald eye prince
if i were only a jewel on your finger
with the grace to see the face each day
i'd be content

like two atoms in a molecule
we are inseparably combined

love letters with a recipient
i can't thank the gods enough

serendipity

i'm sure there aren't people waiting with baited breath for me to update my livejournal, but here i am, posting after months of sabbatical, or something.
school's okay. having trouble with grades and stuff, all normal. last report card was 3 c's, 3 a's, one f. pretty good. but i need to level up .1 on my gpa to not be on academic probation at the beginning of the year at capa. which would suck. everyone's stressing me out about next year. it's going to be more serious, less free than i'd thought. but it'll be better than what i'm doing now, that's what i keep saying to myself.
been mostly scattered between liking people and turning down propositions. i confuse myself mostly. growing up and stuff, y'know. been talking to a lot of people each night on the phone for long times. trying to sort my brain out. got some art i'm gonna mix with this one boy's. should be interesting. a lot of moving around and keeping silent and watching the world spin. walking in the grass barefoot, sunny across the bridge with my bestfriend. getting okay. i've got the kissing craze, singing to california. counting time in nights and weekends, that's the only time i'm conscious. having really vivid dreams that haunt me when i wake up.
this summer is going to be incredible. it really, really is. there's been warm weather in pittsburgh the last few days, save for yesterday & today's ongoing rain. it's been so hot we've kept the windows open and fans on and i can walk outside at night and lay on the concrete of my driveway. eating popsicles like they're vitamins, shorts are uniform by this point. today and yesterday, i've been sick, though. swine flu epidemic. i'm actually worried about that but i keep making myself remember i'm always sick, i get sick all the time. people keep talking up everything and it's scaring me a lot, 2012 and all that kinda stuff. but i make myself absolute statements like it is what it is and a rose is a rose is a rose and i try and calm myself down. neurosis been getting worse lately. trichotillomania. trying to find a therapist in the pittsburgh area. not sure how i feel about it. i want it to end but it scares me that i'll have no vice after it's all said and done. i'm trying to find my own cure.
the more i talk, the more i find out about myself.
loving people. been adoring your voice over the phone lines, hypnosis in breathy chain smoking between yelling and compliments and it makes my heart swell so big sometimes i have to curl my toes and wrap into myself just to handle it. you're my last shot at all this, i don't think you know. i don't want to fuck anything up the way i normally do. i don't think i can with this, though. i'm trying to flow with it. be okay, or fake it till i make it or something. we're so similar, i just feel so connected to you. just want to be around you always. you're in my head all day. i want to tell you everything.
sometimes i close my eyes and i can feel the world spinning outside of my head. these words have been rehashed and resaid and redone so many times over, and i'm okay with that. enigma of language habits. i am out of my mind, but i've never felt as safe.
here's to crossing your fingers and wishing on eleveneleven and decemberbabies. you'll never find this, but i'm okay with that.

growing up is hard, i'm learning more and more every day. getting okay is okay.

"i wish to do more than just exist" says the ribbon on my wrist, getting okay with existing is okay but you need to do more. this is my reminder.

so, this is where it is now.

i'm feeling okay.
for some of the first time, i'm feeling okay.
i'm growing up, i'm just growing up. i can write all the mindless poems in the world and it'll all lead back to the one mantra in my head. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm getting okay and that's all there is.
everything that happens is supposed to be.
when you're in the shit, all the bad surrounding, you feel like you are the only one who can understand this. like you're the only one in the world who's ever felt like this. i know i'm not speaking profoundly, but it's alright.
i'm trying to find my own way to be a good person, and your way is not mine. i don't need your mantras and i don't need your methods. you're a good model but i've got to find my own way.

i learned a lot last night sitting around a table with my friends.
no matter what happens, it's gotta feel right.
do anything that feels right. do everything that feels right.
i'll learn to differentiate as i grow up.
i'm just a kid. i'm learning everything, now. everything.
the words i write, nights spent with new perspectives.
i'm a different person from each day to the next.
i am okay.

"if my parents tell me no i'm gonna do it anyway, experience will make more sense than anything that they could ever say."

meet me back here in 15 minutes.


new things:
tell me why you listen when nobody's talking.
when you leave, i'm taking my words back.
winona haircut take two tonight.
they're just people, but they're my people. i need to know they're real.
everything old is new again.
working on some new things.



i'm alright. i've been lonely before.

where the lights shine brighter?

so, i got into capa.
meaning: i get to have real art class for the first tiiiiiime.
meaning: i get to be a part of real, thinking culture.
meaning: i get to live with my dad on weekdays, mom on weekends.
meaning: i get to have my own room at my dad's.
meaning: i have to decide on a paint color.
these are good problems to have.
cool.

i'd go to bed, but i took a 2-hour nap, woke up at 6 to eat and be crabby to my family, went back to bed, woke up at 10, ate a pop tart, and now i'm not tired at all.
we have no school tomorrow, either. i really didn't want today off, actually. i did all my homework and i wanted to buy my carnation-grams for valentines day from the cheerleaders~
i love valentines day, i don't care if i've been single for it every year, i love making heart-shaped cookies and eating mystery/ALWAYSCOCONUT chocolates, sending flowers and teddy bears to myself. i love all the cheesy cards, red and pink, love and the love-haters.

i realize this post is pretty useless, but nothing much has happened. i'm feeling lazy and boring, really glad i'm into capa, though. but i feel like it still hasn't hit me, i've been talking myself down for a month, so i wouldn't be too disappointed if i didn't get in, and now, i'm actually in? what? it's just weird.
ive been staying at my dad's every weekend, and i can pretty much tell what it'll be like living there, problems being that i'll be under actual, real, responsible parental rule, unlike that of my mother's parenting. i'll have to answer to authority, which will be weird. i'm not looking forward to that. but i'm thinking my freedom there will increase as i stay there longer. capa seems like an incredibly open minded school, and i think my dad'll learn to trust me a little more as i transition into it. i hope.
ah, i don't know. i'm so uninteresting. i can feel myself getting bored of myself, as i type. i'm going back to mining silver on runescape. night.

cool.

in other news, my grandfather moved in, and i feel trapped. like a piece of me's just been shot in the dark. like i'm on a bad vacation and i just want to go home. but i can't.
oh, and my empires shirt came in the mail today.

a little over a year ago, this band came into existance.
roughly six months ago, i had the best night of my entire existance, that which has not been topped since. i sang along with such conviction i'm sure i've got a place saved in heaven for me now. i remember being too happy to function, sean pointing at me like i was special for singing along. i could feel my heart explode, one floor down from my dad playing computer games, with my dumb, fake pink hair that would be gone in a matter of days, hours. three days before i was leaving for brooklyn, i could feel the summer in my body, i could feel the way it was infecting me with silly, stupid freedom. i took pictures and stared and burned the night into my memory. sean, introducing me to tom, me, shaking so hard i couldn't keep my hand steady for longer than a minute, totally stunned by total honesty, total vulnerability. after, i creeped out the window at ryan and sean loading their trailer, waved as we passed, looked back 'till they were specks in the distance.


this picture means more to my life and the way i choose to be now, than any national geography spread, any amount of "a thousand words...", than any moment ever captured on film at any time on this earth. this picture means more to me than you, me, or anyone else can ever even comprehend. i won't try any harder to make you understand.
that is all.

found this in a magazine.
can you tell i love my new phone?

the new polaroid.
it's not the same. but i'm considering it. looks like it'd be cool to experiment with.
"without you, i'm just me"
don't judge for who made it, please. give it a fighting chance.
bi polar bear is sweet not just for the replacements song, and i'd buy the real gusto if i had the money.

news: i cut my hair real short. i hate school. i hate everyone. i want to move to new york and become a hermit.

but, i've got some good ideas in store. went to the library to get photocopies done and it turned into something else. i'm watering down some glue and unwrapping my christmas canvases. i think you'll like this.

so i finally got my folie a deux package today. :D
listening to it for the first time now, and i like it a lot. i really wish i hadn't gotten the shirts in medium, 'cause they're fucking HUGE. but it's cool, i'll sew & cut them. fall out boy shirts wouldn't be my fall out boy shirts if i didn't mess with them. i think i'll X in the box for fuct. i love that record. infinity sucked, though. seriously. this better bring them back.
and because i'm weird and fan-y, i'm gonna go on a play-by-play track critique because i like doing that and i'm a HUGEFUCKINGDORK.

1. disloyal order of water buffaloes
a really good opener. i kind of want to laugh when patrick sings 'buzz, buzz, buzz', but then he sings 'there's a hole where something was,' and it's like 'awwwwwww.' i like the words a lot, and it's a much better opener than thriller. this feels like it's going to make up for infinity. awesome. i love the line 'detox just to retox,' and how it ends with a sing-along. c'mon, everyone knows i'm a sucker for sing-alongs.

2. i don't care
this song is so infectious. seriously. i love it. i don't care. i wrote 'i don't care just what you say as long as it's about me' on my desk in world cultures, & the next day, someone had written under it 'who sits here?' hahaha, like writing fall out boy lyrics makes me seem mysterious or something. wtf. this song would be amazing live. everyone freaking out. aaaaah.

3. she's my winona
DUDE WINONA RYDER HOW COULD I NOT LOVE THIS SONG.
this sounds like a coke-party-soundtrack song, though. not that i mind, but. it's quite obvious. it's the type of thing you'd have playing driving through la with the windows down or something. i can see it playing in a huge mansion in the hills with twelve foot windows, plasma tvs, lighted pools, antm/50cent party-esque. if you get that reference, i don't want to be friends with you anymore.

4. america's suitehearts
i really, really, really did not want to like this song when i saw the clip for the video on fuse, and when they played it live on the live in chicago thing, i was like 'fuckfuckfuck this record is gonna suck,' but no. they just suck at playing it live. it's actually really awesome, atmospheric, weird. i can see why they chose a carousel, weird type of video, because it totally matches the sound, but did they have to wear those ridiculous outfits?

5. headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet
this song sounds so mechanical. the bass pedal or guitar pedal that whoever uses is really cool. it's just buzzzzzzzzzing. sweet. i love the line 'i don't just want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness,' and i find it slightly creepy how it's about cheating. um. okay, pete. this song makes patrick seem like a badass homewrecker. despite the fact that pete wrote the words. he sings it so perfectly. just. end of story.

6. the (shipped) gold standard
oh, pete. i didn't think this song was gonna be good, because 'the (after) life of the party' is one of my most hated songs on infinity, but. they pull out the same drum beat they used on suitehearts, and, though it sounds slightly repetitive, it's good. plus, 'but i'm no good at math, and besides the dollar is down' made me smile.

7. (coffee's for closers)
i almost feel like this song has traces of what they wanted infinity to have the feel of. layered guitar, cymbal, vocals on every level, but the words are good, and that saves it. at parts it seems like it's gonna go minor, dark, but it doesn't, it just goes back to macy's day parade float song performed with smiles. i'd be surprised if this became a single or anything. but it's decently nice, and the violin ending makes me happy

8. what a catch, donnie [ft. elvis costello, brendon urie, travis mccoy, alex deleon & william beckett][srsly]
favorite song. hands down. the drum machine throws you off at first. but oh my god. it's a perfect balance of pete's self-deprecating words and patrick's mastery at creating songs that build and build, break down, and build back. this record's hum hallelujah, but way better. plus, big lebowski reference? yes. just yes. AND YOU KNOW I'M A SUCKER FOR SING ALONGS. when elvis costello comes in, it's not even weird, and i love how what he sings connects back to cooperstown. i love when they do that. meaning: i'm in love with when they connect 'where is your boy', 'sugar', 'dance, dance', 'this ain't a scene', 'thnks fr th mmrs', and 'growing up(?)' sung by alex& william (i do not hear travis or brendon. at all. guess it's like the sophmore slump thing with brendon. everyone was like wtf?)

9. 27
patrick has this way of singing swear words where you don't even realize he's swearing, so you'll just sing along, 'we're all just fuuuuuuucked~~' and then you realize. he did the same thing on arms race. i sang goddamn for two straight months before my mom called me on it, and i was like 'oh. yeah. i guess that's a swear word. forgot.' joe has a sick guitar solo on this, as well. bet he was happy about that.

10. tiffany blews [ft. lil' wayne]
okay. so. um. you could tell this was the song lil wayne would guest on straight from the start. c'mon. this song is half 'okay, we're gonna be like lil wayne for a second,' half 'okay, new record, yeahhhh' i don't know how to explain it. i like the unexpected backing vocals from alex. but there are so many layered vocals you can't pick it out easily. i notice they've been doing that a lot so far. lil wayne doesn't even sound like his normal lil wayne self. he's singing 'dear gravity, you held me down'. it's odd. but i like it. of course i do.

11. w.a.m.s. [ft. pharrell]
this sounds like they're trying to be robots or something. if this becomes a single, i guarantee they'll be dancing all jerky and robot-esque or something weird like that. one-thousand percent. the chorus goes close back to their 27-ish vibe where you don't know what the fuck's going on, but it's all got this weird tone to it. it feels like dreamy 50's marketing + honolulu hawaiian vacation + infinity. what. i hate when songs fade away, too. by the way. but i love patrick's solo thing, despite the fact that he sounds like he's trying to seem blues-y and inaudible. but i love that you can hear the fuzz of the shoddy recording between claps, snaps, guttural sounds, and stamps.
OH BUT BY THE WAY PHARRELL WAS TOTALLY NOT ON THIS. WHAT THE FUCK.

12. 20 dollar nosebleed [ft. brendon urie]
amazing. amazing. amazing. it's got an initial showtunes/razia's shadow/forgive durden type feel to it, in the intro, which is sweet. the beat is great, the vocals are wonderful, i love the style of the song. brendon's vocals blend right into the feel and they just fit. it's got an awesome, myspace-song-y single quality to it. i like the horn section. weird because i usually hate it, and the gospel-choir patrick thing is awesome. andy's getting a lot of great drum parts on this record. i noticed. this song is really clean-cut in comparison to the other songs on the record, there's a lot of silence in the background instead of layers and layers and layers and layers. i like that. pete's rant at the end is, of course, reminiscent of fuct, and i like it. a lot. pete is still old pete to me no matter who he marries, what his hair looks like, or what magazine he ends up on the cover of. it'll probably be the new thnks fr th mmrs in popularity at least. i'll get sick of it, but for now, it's on repeat.

13. west coast smoker [ft. debbie harry]
debbie harry. what. kind of funny actually because i remember reading a fic where patrick has a mild obsession with blondie and i'd love to imagine the recording session, he'd probably be groveling at her presence or something. but, i don't like how they almost covered debbie's voice up with all the guitar and just, sound. this song's pretty intense, though. and i love pete's screaming at the end, of course. he sounds like a hellchild.


thank god there were no serious overtones of the wentz-ashface thing, because that would seriously effect how much i liked this record. not because 'omg, p33t has a gf thats not me!????!?', i just hate disgustingly happy married couples. ugh. ew. it could be anyone. plus, when they have kids, it's like ewwwwww, you're so happy, you spawned. D: it could be anyone, though. my cool uncle had a baby and i was like "NO.NO.NO.NO.NO."
i'd give folie 4/5 high fives. yo.
i really liked it, and i know i'm gonna get to like it a lot more.


HOLY FUCK I AM LAME.
whatever. it's fall out boy. it's family.



ps, hahaha, this was my only fall out boy icon. that's definitely an indication as to how much infinity sucked. D:

could someone tell me what the fuck is up with russell brand? he was in that movie penelope, which i just watched (totally backwards, plot loopholes galore and such a disjointed plot it was like it was a series of scenes, not a movie.) as some random musician, and on imdb, all it says is that he's a columnist for some paper, actor, musician, 'personality,' and his website is just weird. he's in weird genres of things, too: bedtime stories, forgetting sarah marshall, and some short lived self-hosted tv show where he acts like he can think? i have no clue.

so, someone tell me:
WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH RUSSELL BRAND.

so, if you don't know already, Christmas is the one time of the year that i literally live for. i hate summer, i hate heat, i hate having my birthday be 6 months away. Christmas is basically my way of staying sane for the entire year, knowing i'll be able to have this time, all the tiny moments of our christmas, it's enough to get me to wake up in the morning the other 364 days out of the year. I LOVE CHRISTMAS.
so, today was our last day of school before the break, so everyone was all decked out in christmas gear, there was a dude dressed in a full-on santa costume, beard and all. in bio we sang biology christmas carols and made glitter-filled christmas cards about ATP and shit. i swear, mrs. mohr is a kindergarten teacher during her lunch break or something. no one can have that much glitter in their posession and not be insane. she was even singing along to the beach boys christmas carols she was playing. um. yeah. in an effort not to bore you with a paragraph about what i gave and got, here's my attempt at organization:

I GAVE:
ezra: lil monsters belt
rachel y.: squee issues 1&2, the bad art collection.
jenn: zombie calendar
shoun: big bag o' bugles
bio julie: commie mints
bio abby: hello kitty huge heart eraser
jamie: the killers shirt&pin, mini moleskine notebook.
alley: pink hair dyeee
rachel j.: 96-pack o' crayons, cinderella coloring book
alyssia: $20 barnes&noble giftcard
holly g.: handmade tina fey doll (with cape!)(seriously)

I GOT:
ezra: rainbow bandana!
rachel y.: hot chocolate, rainbow bracelet, xxi shirt, one of her old hoodies, giraffe loofah
sara from art: a cute lil christmas card
bio julie: "communism-- it's a party!" homemade shirt
bio abby: 2 gloomy bear lil keychain things
holly d.: xmas cookie!
madame stover: j' ♥ le français pin (for my b-day)
jamie: THE SAME KILLERS SHIRT, awesome purple scarf, bff necklaces (+ a picture of joshua third!)
alyssia: AMAZING COOKIES
holly g.: sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs by chuck klosterman!


all we did all day was watch movies and stuff, too. christmas is the best time of the year. hands down. i counted all the christmas music i've got on my itunes, 62 songs. almost 3 and a half hours of christmas songs. AAAAAAAH. CHRISTMASCHRISTMASCHRISTMAS.

here's the countdown for the christmas break so far:
1 day 'till christmas eve/christmas with dad's side
2 days 'till CHRISTMAS OHMYGOD
3 days 'till sam flies in from tennesseeeee!
4 days 'till i turn 16, AAAAAAAAAH.

me and sam'll be hanging out from the 26th till the 30th, and we're gonna go to the matress factory, the warhol, a buncha museums, lots of sweet vegetarian/vegan restaurants (since she's veg), hanging out with my dad, and feeling cool being 16 with my best friend. i can't wait. i've never met anyone directly from ino/the interwebz, let alone the one person i wanted to meet most. it's the huge culmination of our friendship of almost four years, four years of phone calls, boyfriends, breakdowns, mailed presents, myspace comments, holidays, summers, shared care for pete wentz, say anything, and everything else. i can't wait. i honestly cannot wait. i'm probably going to go to bed as soon as i can tonight so i can wake up tomorrow sooner and have it be christmas eve, ohmygod.

if you got nothing else from this entry, just know this: I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

at my mom's christmas party two nights ago, i hung out with my mom's colleague joanna who is probably the coolest human being to ever work in a 4x4 cubicle. we talked about college and parents and baking and the office and how she got a creme brulee torch for her birthday this year and that i'm coming over one night in january and we're watching the office and eating creme brulee until we die. we were both bored out of our skulls with everyone at the party, and i couldn't stop eating shrimp, as she couldn't stop eating her creme puff pastries (which had a flaky crust i peeled off layer by layer. yes, i dissect all my food. i am really weird. i know.) there was this sweet guy tyler or tobias or whatever his name was and he was married to this whole foods-eating looking chick and he was wearing a cool sweater and they were so sickeningly perfectly cute, that it all contradicted itself and they were just generally really adorable to watch. joanna reminds me of a mix between julie and houseware-buying spencer smith with that little twinge of cynic-ness. i kept telling her how much she reminds me of you, julie, it was freaking her out. i wore my russian hat and a vest and felt generally coolio even though my mom's boss is a crazy lady and they're one of those shadyside-living, whole foods buying, i'm the greatest thing in the world i drive a hybrid car and smell my own farts kinda family. it was still cool and there were cheese-foods shaped like STARS.
today, i hung out with ryan and nick and jamie and a weird barely-speaking background crowd of jake, corina, a ton of kids i don't know, and some other kid who i told that my name was joshua. i stole the spin magazines from the library with MGMT and beck on the cover (come on!), because i'm always the only person to ever read them anyways, and of course, with jamie and ryan being in the same room together for more than twelve seconds, the 'you hate me!' 'you ignore me!' blah blah blah thing ensued. now, i love jamie, and i love ryan. but jamie is being an enormous douche to ryan. he cares about her. a lot. and she's so lost in her own idea of it, that she thinks he's putting on this whole act, this whole guilt trip thing, when i believe that's just the way he is. he's always paranoid she hates him, and rightly so. she's not friendly to him, and that's really mean in my eyes, because they've been the closest friends ever for a long time, and her doing that is just totally uncalled for. i'm paranoid she hates me, i'm paranoid he hates me, i'm paranoid everyone hates me. it's not right for her, who is also paranoid that people hate her, be so mean to him just because of his paranoia about her even wanting to be in his presence or not. it's fucking stupid. i just finished talking to ryan on aim, and i don't care what anyone says. that kid is golden. he is so genuinely kind and caring, i don't understand it. her argument is that he pulls the guilt trip on her, but that's not.. i don't know how to explain it. it's not that it's not a big deal, it's just that it's not. friends are really stressful. it's almost 9 and i was supposed to be done writing my paragraph for my research paper by now, crawling into bed with my jammies, and setting my alarm just early enough to get a cup of hot chocolate before going off to school. but no. now i'll spend the next hour after my brothers go to bed, cramming for my french test tomorrow, trying to find the transcripts of medical records to show my bio teacher (she's a fucking idiot), and typing up my outline for how overpopulation has effected india. they kill baby girls! i didn't sleep at all last night in a last-ditch effort to get myself organized with this stupid paper, and in fear i would miss my bus for the third day in a row due to oversleeping. yeah. um. bad idea. i feel like a zombie. 9:00 is offically 24 hours i've been awake. i have an awful sleep schedule. i know.
also, folie a deux, fall out boy's new cd, came in its digital package today since they shipped the orders out a day late or something, and we got it free with a 20% off anything in the gomerch site (MGMT, JAC VANEK AND TEGAN AND SARA. OMG), but i'm waiting for christmas to get it in its physical packaging. i'm weird like that. but i looked at the tracklisting, and WHAT THE FUCK. ELVIS COSTELLO IS ON A FALL OUT BOY SONG? DEBBIE HARRY DOES GUEST VOCALS? THEY NAMED A SONG "SHE'S MY WINONA"? i can't wait to see if they bombed or totally triumphed.

i really should be doing my paper. the only reason i'm typing so much is as a method of stalling. and i've got a ton of stuff on my mind. usually i go to sleep to clear my mind, but now i've got so many thoughts piled up, it's driving me insane. i'll talk about the jamie thing later. i'm too tired and unfocused to put any more emotion into this evening.


ps: i am so in love with this girl, i don't know what to do with myself.



edit: WHERE DID MY FEMENISM ICON GO? DDDDDDD: WTF. SOMEONE'S MESSING WITH ME. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL THIS ICON IS.

for skipping friday and failing bio.
i had a long, weepy conversation with my dad and he told me basically, just to talk to them. he wasn't mad that i was so stressed, he was just disappointed, and upset that i had let it get so far along. i kept saying 'i know,' because i do. i know all the lectures. i have them memorized.
i ended up saying something he said summed up the teenage years perfectly: "i want to either grow up or grow down, and i can't do either, and it sucks."
i know i have to do better. i know. i feel bad about letting my dad down, but i feel some strangely cathartic effect. i got stuff out, i know that's nothing, but. yeah. it's something good.
it's the big f-word i'm so freaked about. i want to embrace it, i want to make it mine and perfect and great, but i don't want to lose myself. but, i don't want this to be myself. i just don't want to be another one of those academic zombies. i want to get the A's and B's and never not do something because of school-- it is not my life, it is not. it can't be, because then i'll be absolutely miserable and it'll all be awful. but then, i think, that's a mindset i absorbed from jamie. and i am not jamie. i am emily. i want to be emily. it's okay if i do what i'm supposed to, because i will always hate authority, i will always hate school, even if i do what they tell me to. i am friends with adults outside of school, there's no reason i can't be civil to the ones who work at school. no one respects a high school dropout. there are exceptions but there are also 6 billion people on this earth. i am one. chances are, i won't be that exception.
it's all environmental. mental. i need to convince the people saturday at capa that i need to go there. in my present location, i am unable to let my mind grow and escape the teenager mindset. i need people who see art as a career, not a class.
fucking peer pressure.


i don't know if i'll be around here much anymore.

i'm not cool.
i give up.

i realize i write far too little about my actual life and reality, which kind of freaks me out to all ends because it means people i see in real life don't know what's going on in my life as of late, but they know what i think of at 2am with a blank livejournal post in front of my face. which, is freaky.
so, what i've been doing:
reading sweetrecovery's "Yours And Yours Alone" fic & listening to its soundtrack made of kings of leon and tegan and sara and nada surf acoustic. wooooh! i love julie. she's an internet celebrity and she's from pittsburghhhh aaaaaaaaggggghh! i feel like i hero worship her which i know is totally freaky but it scares me to talk to her because i'm always afraid she'll think i'm a creep and decide i'm an obnoxious little kid with no credit to talk to. ugh. i don't know.
my phone got stolen two weeks ago or so during gym class, which i was upset with initially, because, um, yeah. duh. but now my dad's offering to buy me a new one and i'm beginning to think i don't really want one. sure, it sucks to not be able to text certain people, but having the ability to connect to people really quickly, i feel, spreads me really thin and it starts to freak me out. i mean, i'm going to get one, i have to, especially with jamie's being taken under the regime of her father, and us hanging out nearly as a constant, yet with no way to get rides away from bad situations.
speaking of: we went to the hush sound's show at diesel on the southside, and THEY DIDN'T SHOW UP. alright, i could eventually forgive them for kicking chris out, but the hush sound, they just don't do things like this. it was awful. we thought they were there the entire time until the end and then it was like stepping into a nightmare. my brain shut off. i still can't process it. so awful. we sat through a LYNYRD SKYNYRD COVER BAND, and FUCKING AUGUSTANA with the singer who thinks he's bob dylan, which we made fun of the entire time, earning glares from the bearded keyboardist, who we made fun of more because of his beard than the fact that he was looking at jamie like he'd whip out a baseball bat and jump down into the crowd. seriously. well, we went to the beehive after trying to get my money back ($36 i will never see again.), encountering cute human beings and a group of dudes and their sons playing dungeons and dragons. i was being an asshole to jamie, though, i was talking about all this serious stuff and i knew it would help if i talked about random things to make her laugh, but i couldn't get out of my head enough and ended up saying nothing. that happens too much around her lately. i don't know what to do.
i love tegan and sara.
my date for my capa audition (seriously), is the sixteenth, this weekend. i am so freaked. i'm extremely nervous. we have to lay out our entire portfolios and then talk to teachers about why we want to go to capa, then go to a private thing and do an observation drawing and critique a master work of art. i'm going to pull the whole, i feel so uncultured in the suburbs, i wake up and can't believe i have to walk into a building where people are proud of the fact they haven't been downtown since they were kids. it's true, but i have to play it up because the backstory we're telling them so i won't have to pay to get in, is that i'm going to live with my dad in garfield this coming year (don't i wish), because you have to have a city address in order to get into the city school program. well, it's from nine IN THE MORNING HOLY SHIT to one, and i'm so fucking scared. this stuff matters, and i'm not used to it. i'm so scared i'm going to mess something enormous up, i care so much about getting in but i feel like such a hack when it comes to all the artist types. i'm not even the best when it comes to my little group of friends, but expand it to an entire crop of applicants, and holy shit, why would they ever take me? i'mfuckingfreaked.
school sucks, too. i skipped on friday because of the hush sound thing happening on thursday, and i hadn't showered, and i felt generally not good, so i just slept in and my mom didn't even notice my existance. i hate lunch and trying to socialize with people i really do like, i just feel too tired to even function, and i hate everyone in that building. i've been sitting with ken and jamie instead of rachel and alyssia, and i feel bad, i just, ugh. i don't know. i can talk to jamie about the girls thing and i don't want to even tell rachel, because i know she'll think i'm 'doing it for the attention' or something, because she was even skeptical of jamie, and jamie's not straight in the tiniest itty bittiest bit at all. also, i'm failing bio, which is a 1 1/2 year course, it's fucking honors, it moves too fast, it's so complicated with all the molecule patterns and everyone else seems to get it, i feel so fucking frustrated when i can't understand shit about the glucose molecule or osmosis in the cell membrane. i feel like such a fucking idiot in that class, it's all freshmen and then me, and it's a double period on tuesdays and thursdays, i keep getting Ds on my tests, fuckmylife. the only good period is art, and even then, i need to socialize with shoun, which is okay, whatever, but i just want one period where i don't need to talk to anyone on a daily basis, it makes me feel so needy and just, fucking stupid. shoun is really grating on my nerves lately, though. he hero-worship's jeff, who is a fucking DOUCHEBAG, and i just don't even want to deal with any of the stress of trying to be accepted into that friend group anymore. i don't know what to do about friends. i love jamie, i love rachel. they're from different groups and it shouldn't matter as much as it does. but the groups, they don't fucking mesh, they're so exclusive and shit, and i don't feel accepted into either, and it just FUCKING SUCKS. i just want to move away and never have to deal with anyone anymore, just make an entire new life for myself where i can actually wake up and want to move.
enough complaining. i need to just fucking chill. i'm trying to channel my inner tom conrad, i really am. if i can just get into capa, get my christmas present shit sorted out (holy fuck it's so stressful), get a haircut, find some clothes that FIT, i could be fine. i need to chill. melt my headaches. chill.

by the way, jamie's was talking to her friend marykate, who goes to shaler and sees me indirectly on a daily basis, about me, and instead of asking if i was the chick who used to have the purple hair, she identified me as "the girl who always wears the cool sweaters." SERIOUSLY. AETHAEWOITBAWEIOTBAWE. OH MY GOD. I AM KNOWN AS THE SWEATER GIRL TO SOMEONE. HOLYYYYYYYYFUCKKKKKK. that's seriously something i'd have to tell someone to think about me, like, hey, you should refer to me as the chick with the cool sweaters, but NO. SOMEONE RECOGNIZES MY LOVE OF SWEATERS. AAAAAAAAH.
okay, i'm good.

escapism is my favorite defense mechanism.
i'm obsessed with feelings. every one the world offers and even more after that.
everyone like me is a puppet in my head i burn at the stake and stomp the ashes out on when the gates of my mind switch gears, chemicals, synapses, nerve endings in my hand twitch and the flame is snuffed out. the inside of my mind is more beautiful than anything that has ever come out of it.
silly boy, you're just dying to be tragic. writing your fingers to death, typing on through the night, trying to find something solid to latch onto. if i've got everything figured out in my head like i've got the hunch i do, my fingers shouldn't be bleeding, my ears shouldn't be bleeding, i wouldn't be curled up on my bedroom floor with ashes in my hand and the scent of you heavy on all my clothes.
when you think you're at your darkest, you always look back and see you were one step away from light.
but all these emotions wracking through my body, all these nervous twitches, all this bullshit, all these formalities, all substitution for what i see outside my eyelids.
all the reason i don't want to open my eyes in the morning.

but hey, it's just a phase, right?
i'll relish the comfort it brings.
i'll deal with your screams and your annoyances, keep you black in my head. keep this view on everything unfamiliar.
criticism is on my lips.
it's all routine.