holy god i've been distant.
so much has happened, too much actually. every day is a bomb i hold in my hands and wait to detonate. yes or no, good or bad. it's all out of my hands.
been in the hospital in the past week. been up and down in the past month. been getting better in the last six.
i'm lost. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm wandering ghostlike with my icy hands twitching with need for any action to hold onto, to make me human again. i feel violated in many senses of the word.
i'm just trying, is all. trying to fall back into the patterns of love, the patterns of happiness, the patterns of excuses for my actions.
they collide and crash and fuck each other up, and the picture is never clear.

i've got so many to-do lists, i don't know what to do.
so many floorplans, i don't know where to walk.


i'm fucked, is all.
and there's nothing much to do about it now.

i want to amass collections of things i love in color and lights and solidity and truth; i feel as if i'm bombarding my social networking whatevers with all of this so i'll compile it here with edits and links and quotes and bands and such.

things i want to create:
http://www.nativeartstrading.com/images/DSCN8169Headdress.jpg
http://www.conradaskland.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/peter-pan.jpg
http://www.billybear4kids.com/Movie/PETER_PAN_PE-Photo_04.jpg

music:
http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#THE%20BLOW/2

etcetera:
http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff28/beatonna/brontessm.png

quotes:
"Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end." Unknown



mostly i've been thinking about love and relationships a lot. it's difficult when you think you know what you want and what you need to do to get there, but then in a big bang you realize you don't really know, but at least i have someone to curl up to and try and figure it out with. but i still don't know what i want. i think i've got it already, but i have no fucking clue in this matter.
i ran from the american apparel in oakland past the library and park and all the coffee shops and dinosaurs while it was raining buckets tonight, by the time i got to kiva han, my hoodie weighed an additional five pounds in water.
dean and i are making plans-- i'm making a raccoon footie pajama suit and an indian headdress for his art stall at some art festival in early august. i'll be pumped to be there and be on the other side of the booths, maybe we'll make some sort of art together beforehand and be able to sell it. i'm sure he'll be able to make a bunch of money or even just a little, his art is so great.
i'm excited to be alive lately, my only problems are that i've been pulling my hair a lot. and my dad and i are on awful terms right now, he came over yesterday and called me out or some shit, i'm not allowed to visit his house or gallery anymore, he's cut me off of all funds, contact, and general togetherness. i'm alright now, i wasn't last night, i packed a backpack and started running down the street, my mom picked me up in her minivan and we talked for a while. i don't know. i still love him of course, but i think he's pissed about me having dean, the whole encroaching-on-territory kind of male ego thing. i don't know what to think. i'm going to wait until he apologizes, but. i'm trying not to think about it otherwise.
maybe self sufficiency is my calling.
i'm trying to get a job.

oh well.
my basement smells like shit.

i can't believe i almost fucked this up.
i'm following your advice, man, i'm not messing with the universe anymore. i was a centimeter away friday night but now i'm worlds gone. still on the tightrope but now i have the will to toss myself off. the security net will catch me everytime, i know. your simple words, "forget about it" cemented me to the spot and i was so relieved i almost cried.
i promise i promise i promise
missing out is not missing out; missing out is found in missing, in leaving, in losing you. i'm not saying i'll be perfect, i'm just saying i'm going to try my best now. keep myself away from too charming comic book boys tattoos on hand philosophy spouting out a red lipped mouth. keeping myself away from their couches at 5am keep saying i've got to get home, i've got to get home. i'll spill all my secrets if you'll listen, kid. the heartbeat flutter flutter at the strength of your arms around my body can't compare to the way his badly cut hair smells in the sun and the goofy grins and the sweaters and the shakes and the calls and the breathy little kisses, i could never never never lose this moment away to manipulation.
so i'll keep myself in this room and i'll keep myself away from my thoughts and i'll keep myself away from everything tempting and trusting and not you not you not you.
the more i think about it, the less certain my heart beats.
i don't know what to do, boy, when you're so far away, and i love you so much.




& now some entertainment in describing myself materialistically:
make your own and comment with it.

i wrap myself in my life like a comforter-- on the brink of suffocating with all the stress problems family friends moments plans and summers, then find myself lost in looking at the revamped face of what used to be my identity, everything goes and goes and goes.
i used to pine and wish and ache for someone to kiss me on my neck and hold me and listen to the labyrinths of my head spouted out a clumsy mouth. i don't need to hope anymore, but everything's still just as confusing as ever. my old loves are fading, new loves are sprouting and i am growing away from what i despised. my head is still fucked, though-- the world changes and flickers on and off like a half-screwed lightbulb in my head. i've got it all in the palm of my hand and it's slipping through like a sand in a sieve. i'll always have the few grains left-- and that is all i need.
moderation, moderation, moderation. your life is no longer in my head, and it's sad in a way but it's alright in another. it's a time like this that i suppose i miss the obsession, the firm ground, but like that night in columbus-- i can't live the life that doesn't belong to me. mine is what i need, but you'll always be a part of the futile climb.
this summer is mine. i feel dead lately but i'll get myself over it hopefully with no pills or any of the things to really truly fuck with my head. i'm getting a 35mm very soon, and i've got a vhs recorder i'll be using once i get a lesson in how to use it. i'm hoping the setting in stone of some important memories will let me let go and grow-- who knew something so vague would be the roadblock to make me want to throw my hands up in the air and give up?
to you and only and ever you-- thank you for letting me spill last night. thank you for understanding me the best you can figure out how to. i love you and miss you always.

time to toss and turn till the earlier hours.
i am glad i am no longer what i used to be.

i have more future than i ever imagined nowadays
springing from my fingertips and the ends of brain neurons
the longest cells in your body are the ones that run from your spine to the tips of your toes
but they never took interconnection into consideration

i can feel that i love you.
i always miss your hands and your face in front of mine
red cheeks to kiss and eyelids to close
we learn with each other every moment we spend in the presence
i love the taste of your drink on your lips
and your voice when you slur and smile and i can almost see
i am saying everything to
someone i can say anything to
i am trying my hardest not to let how lucky i know i am to get lost
even when it does it always comes back

lets not get too routine
i don't need what you do
and my time will come
patience is key

but
i have bruises on my knees
and more broken blood vessels
elsewhere

i have never been this close to anyone ever before
i never want to be this close to anyone else but you
ever again

if i am your gem then you are my emerald eye prince
if i were only a jewel on your finger
with the grace to see the face each day
i'd be content

like two atoms in a molecule
we are inseparably combined

love letters with a recipient
i can't thank the gods enough

serendipity

i'm sure there aren't people waiting with baited breath for me to update my livejournal, but here i am, posting after months of sabbatical, or something.
school's okay. having trouble with grades and stuff, all normal. last report card was 3 c's, 3 a's, one f. pretty good. but i need to level up .1 on my gpa to not be on academic probation at the beginning of the year at capa. which would suck. everyone's stressing me out about next year. it's going to be more serious, less free than i'd thought. but it'll be better than what i'm doing now, that's what i keep saying to myself.
been mostly scattered between liking people and turning down propositions. i confuse myself mostly. growing up and stuff, y'know. been talking to a lot of people each night on the phone for long times. trying to sort my brain out. got some art i'm gonna mix with this one boy's. should be interesting. a lot of moving around and keeping silent and watching the world spin. walking in the grass barefoot, sunny across the bridge with my bestfriend. getting okay. i've got the kissing craze, singing to california. counting time in nights and weekends, that's the only time i'm conscious. having really vivid dreams that haunt me when i wake up.
this summer is going to be incredible. it really, really is. there's been warm weather in pittsburgh the last few days, save for yesterday & today's ongoing rain. it's been so hot we've kept the windows open and fans on and i can walk outside at night and lay on the concrete of my driveway. eating popsicles like they're vitamins, shorts are uniform by this point. today and yesterday, i've been sick, though. swine flu epidemic. i'm actually worried about that but i keep making myself remember i'm always sick, i get sick all the time. people keep talking up everything and it's scaring me a lot, 2012 and all that kinda stuff. but i make myself absolute statements like it is what it is and a rose is a rose is a rose and i try and calm myself down. neurosis been getting worse lately. trichotillomania. trying to find a therapist in the pittsburgh area. not sure how i feel about it. i want it to end but it scares me that i'll have no vice after it's all said and done. i'm trying to find my own cure.
the more i talk, the more i find out about myself.
loving people. been adoring your voice over the phone lines, hypnosis in breathy chain smoking between yelling and compliments and it makes my heart swell so big sometimes i have to curl my toes and wrap into myself just to handle it. you're my last shot at all this, i don't think you know. i don't want to fuck anything up the way i normally do. i don't think i can with this, though. i'm trying to flow with it. be okay, or fake it till i make it or something. we're so similar, i just feel so connected to you. just want to be around you always. you're in my head all day. i want to tell you everything.
sometimes i close my eyes and i can feel the world spinning outside of my head. these words have been rehashed and resaid and redone so many times over, and i'm okay with that. enigma of language habits. i am out of my mind, but i've never felt as safe.
here's to crossing your fingers and wishing on eleveneleven and decemberbabies. you'll never find this, but i'm okay with that.

growing up is hard, i'm learning more and more every day. getting okay is okay.

"i wish to do more than just exist" says the ribbon on my wrist, getting okay with existing is okay but you need to do more. this is my reminder.

so, this is where it is now.

i'm feeling okay.
for some of the first time, i'm feeling okay.
i'm growing up, i'm just growing up. i can write all the mindless poems in the world and it'll all lead back to the one mantra in my head. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm getting okay and that's all there is.
everything that happens is supposed to be.
when you're in the shit, all the bad surrounding, you feel like you are the only one who can understand this. like you're the only one in the world who's ever felt like this. i know i'm not speaking profoundly, but it's alright.
i'm trying to find my own way to be a good person, and your way is not mine. i don't need your mantras and i don't need your methods. you're a good model but i've got to find my own way.

i learned a lot last night sitting around a table with my friends.
no matter what happens, it's gotta feel right.
do anything that feels right. do everything that feels right.
i'll learn to differentiate as i grow up.
i'm just a kid. i'm learning everything, now. everything.
the words i write, nights spent with new perspectives.
i'm a different person from each day to the next.
i am okay.

"if my parents tell me no i'm gonna do it anyway, experience will make more sense than anything that they could ever say."

meet me back here in 15 minutes.


new things:
tell me why you listen when nobody's talking.
when you leave, i'm taking my words back.
winona haircut take two tonight.
they're just people, but they're my people. i need to know they're real.
everything old is new again.
working on some new things.



i'm alright. i've been lonely before.

where the lights shine brighter?

so, i got into capa.
meaning: i get to have real art class for the first tiiiiiime.
meaning: i get to be a part of real, thinking culture.
meaning: i get to live with my dad on weekdays, mom on weekends.
meaning: i get to have my own room at my dad's.
meaning: i have to decide on a paint color.
these are good problems to have.
cool.

i'd go to bed, but i took a 2-hour nap, woke up at 6 to eat and be crabby to my family, went back to bed, woke up at 10, ate a pop tart, and now i'm not tired at all.
we have no school tomorrow, either. i really didn't want today off, actually. i did all my homework and i wanted to buy my carnation-grams for valentines day from the cheerleaders~
i love valentines day, i don't care if i've been single for it every year, i love making heart-shaped cookies and eating mystery/ALWAYSCOCONUT chocolates, sending flowers and teddy bears to myself. i love all the cheesy cards, red and pink, love and the love-haters.

i realize this post is pretty useless, but nothing much has happened. i'm feeling lazy and boring, really glad i'm into capa, though. but i feel like it still hasn't hit me, i've been talking myself down for a month, so i wouldn't be too disappointed if i didn't get in, and now, i'm actually in? what? it's just weird.
ive been staying at my dad's every weekend, and i can pretty much tell what it'll be like living there, problems being that i'll be under actual, real, responsible parental rule, unlike that of my mother's parenting. i'll have to answer to authority, which will be weird. i'm not looking forward to that. but i'm thinking my freedom there will increase as i stay there longer. capa seems like an incredibly open minded school, and i think my dad'll learn to trust me a little more as i transition into it. i hope.
ah, i don't know. i'm so uninteresting. i can feel myself getting bored of myself, as i type. i'm going back to mining silver on runescape. night.

cool.

in other news, my grandfather moved in, and i feel trapped. like a piece of me's just been shot in the dark. like i'm on a bad vacation and i just want to go home. but i can't.
oh, and my empires shirt came in the mail today.